Vladimir is a cat.
All cats are dogs.
Therefore, Vladimir is a plaid groundhog in a blue sport jacket.

Monkeys 1, Typewriters 0

If my writing doesn’t make you laugh, try reading it out loud.
(If that doesn’t work, try reading something funnier out loud.)

Monkeys 1, Typewriters 0 is an eclectic online assortment of original tomfoolery written by humorist Jonathan Caws-Elwitt. The material here has been created over the course of several decades of frivolity. All rights reserved.

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Special Features

• YOU HAD TO BE THERE
• Q & A
• FLORA & FAUNA
• BARNEEZLES FILM GUIDE
• PARODY SONG LYRICS
• SOME ORIGINAL PALINDROMES
• WHAT’S NEW? NEOLOGISMS!
• ASK DR. BARNEEZLES
• THE QUOTABLE JONATHAN CAWS-ELWITT?
• JC-E CARTOONS
• JC-E IN SHOECABBAGE
• PERSONALIZED BIRTHDAY SCHEDULE
  This wacky birthday form, authored by JC-E, is available in an authentic-looking, customizable template, thanks to the wizards at One Letter Words!

Short (inseam 30) and Medium-Size (7¼) Trifles

• INTRODUCTORY NOTE
• QUOTE OF THE DAY
• HOUSEHOLD TIP
• ABOUT OUR NAME
• DJ BREAK
• INTERVIEW WITH STRANGE KABOODLE
• AT THE AUTO DEALERSHIP
• AT THE OFFICE
• THE PHILOSOPHY OF HAT HAIR
• ABOUT HAIR
• A CURIOSITY IN THE ATLAS
• THE FORMATION OF THE MODERN WEEK
• DAYS AND DATES
• WHEN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE DOESN’T EXIST
• THE AGE OF THE UNIVERSE
• THE MOON BOOM
• MISSING DIALOGUE FROM I AM SPOCK
• VERDI’S MIDDLE PERIOD
• NEW YEAR’S WITH AUNT LOOPY
• HELP WANTED
• THIS WEEK'S KIDS’ PROGRAM
• WELCOME TO CONSOLIDATED GESUNDHEIT
• THANK YOU FOR CALLING
• REPLY BY SECOND POST
• THAT FABULOUS POKER HAND
• THE GOLDEN AGE OF TEXT
• SCRAWLING TOWARD IMMORTALITY
• POMPOSCELES
• LETTER TO A COLLEAGUE
• NUMBER TRICK
• A BRIEF HISTORY OF DRYER LINT
• MITTENS
• MEMORABLE QUOTES
• HELP DESK
• SO, YOU WANT A “TIME-WASTER” QUIZ, EH?
• WEATHER ON THE WEB
• WEEKLY FORECAST
• ON CHURNING OUT SONG LYRICS
• THE FOUDNATION TRILOGY
• DECADES
• OUTTAKE FROM HAMLET
• FANTASY BASEBALL DIALOGUE
• FANTASY FOOTBALL DIALOGUE
• MY ORIGINAL ENGLISH TEACHER JOKE
• MY ORIGINAL VIOLIN JOKE
• WEATHER REPORT, AS DELIVERED BY HENRY JAMES
• CLASS ACTION SUIT
• MAKE-BELIEVE FAN CORRESPONDENCE WITH STEVE ALLEN
• THE CHICKEN’S DAY OFF
• JFK IN VIENNA
• BIRD IS THE WORD
• HIGH CONCEPT
• CANINE CATEGORIES
• ABOUT THE AUTHOR

View my contributions to the Omnificent English Dictionary in Limerick Form.

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Copyright © 1985–2013 Jonathan Caws-Elwitt. This page revised December 2, 2022.