Keep On Going

To my surprise, googling on that yields nothing, though it seems like a very obvious joke.

Mini-existential crisis–I wrote two new book blog entries, which took forever (maybe 45 minutes each) when they were forgettable books that I though deserved maybe a sentence each; I’ve been asked to do book reviews for a new newspaper & don’t know if I want to/ought to/would regret saying no. How to balance wanting to try & do everything with having the normal spacetime limitations? My coping strategy for most of my life has been to do a bit of what I most want to do at any given moment, then use denial and procrastination to avoid making decisions. Hmm…somehow that doesn’t seem to to turn out particularly well. Strange!

I just finished Animals in Translation by Temple Grandin, which is such a remarkable, mindblowing, thought-provoking book that it made me think of the best books I’ve ever read so that I can put it on the list.

Five Best/Most Interesting/Most Mind-blowing Books I’ve Ever Read (The Ones That Jump to Mind, At Least)

• Chance and Necessity, Jacques Monod
• A Pattern Language, Christopher Alexander
• Metamagical Themas, Douglas Hofstadter
• On Liberty, John Stuart Mill
• Animals in Translation, Temple Grandin

Happy happy birthday to me–and it has been one so far. My birthday tradition is to take the day off work and spend some time thinking about where I am in life, where I want to go, etc. Usually I do a few exercises from whatever self-help book is currently my favorite–this time it was a Cheryl Richardson exercise from her Life Makeovers newsletter–and I re-read what I wrote in previous years. It hasn’t changed much from year to year, which is a good sign. This year was especially rewarding because when I was 35 I had two answers to “if you died right now, what would your biggest regrets be?” One was leaving a big mess behind me (and I’m working on that, although I haven’t made much progress), and the other was not having written my “turkey book” (which was my NaNoWriMo project!) Plus I had said how proud I was to have run two miles the weekend before with very little walking! So with a marathon and a “novel-length work” under my belt, I feel pretty good about 40. I don’t mind getting older as long as I’m satisfied with the amount life I’m getting out of my years–and I am, today. Yay running!

I did a slow five miles this morning. I haven’t run in about 3 weeks, since we’ve been away on the weekends and the dark cold mornings have been a disincentive I haven’t been able to conquer. But I haven’t fallen as far back as I feared. Despite stopping for quite a while (and I haven’t turned the Forerunner’s autopause back on yet) for some dog time, I still averaged 11:16 per mile. Total 56:16, splits 11:00, 11:25, 10:55, 11:49, 11:05.

It’s been amazingly warm for the time of year. On a mid-November run the ponds were iced over and Stanley Lake was partially frozen, but it melted again and today there was no snow or ice anywhere, with temps in the forties–great for running. Partially cloudy, windy, with a tiny bit of spitting rain at times. My dog time was spent trying to get the boxers on Schoolbus Hill to come over and say hi. The younger one (brindled and white) wouldn’t get closer than a few hundred feet and would turn and run as I approached. The older one (standard fawn color) joined the younger but wouldn’t come over either, even though he’s come up and greeted me plenty of times before–but that’s when the tubby black mutt led the way. Interesting dog personality variations!

I haven’t been doing much running, but I wrote and wrote and wrote and I’m finished with my “novel-length work!” The NaNoWriMo zaniness really worked for me. I reread enough to pick an excerpt for my author profile, and I was surprised to find a section that wouldn’t make me blush too much to reveal in public, so maybe it’s not quite as bad as I fear. But I’m setting it aside until January, when I can come back to it with more detachment.

I need to pick a December project–and I definitely want to get back to running–but I’m still basking in my achievement, artificial as it may be!

I said no blogging until I’d met my quota, but maybe I’ll do at least one entry a week. I’m at almost 8,000 words, so well behind where I “ought” to be (14,000 by the end of today)–I’m not whining, just saying!–and a lot of that has to do with the election. I have been in a deep depression since Black Wednesday and I’m just starting to come out of it. I haven’t burst into tears today, so that’s a first. I tried to run five miles yesterday but ended up composing an open letter to my community in my head (not sure if I’ll actually do anything with it) about how alienated I feel right now. For the first time since we moved here almost 15 years ago I wonder if we made a mistake. I’ve put so much of myself into my work and into my volunteer efforts…. Anyway, I started actually crying while I was running and then I couldn’t breathe, so I had to walk. I ran maybe 2 1/2 miles off and on.

Today I feel much better, I think because I have a course of action (write the letter) and I’ve gotten a lot of the emotion out (thanks to everyone who let me cry on their shoulder). So, not much writing done, but I did run a proper five miles around 4pm. I didn’t bother to bring the Forerunner, just got dressed & went.

It was a lovely warm day for November. I saw the young kinda-crazy black lab who lives on 267, then the bigger one who’s on Canada Road–I *thought* they were two different dogs but I haven’t seen them on the same day before. The bigger one, who used to be a little shy of me, came right over and leaned against my legs as I petted him or her (haven’t checked sex). On my way up the hill I caught a flash of orange. There were 5 or 6 pumpkins in the woods next to the road–for a second I thought they had grown there, then it almost looked like they had fallen out of a tree. Obviously they were tossed there to get rid of them and they’ll get eaten.

At the top of the hill there were my friends the tubby lab/shepherd mix and the boxer, so I got to pet them too. A good dog day! Lots of people were out in their yards because it was so beautiful. As I rounded the lake, the clouds started coloring from the sunset. It was an especially nice one–lots of shifting shades of pink, blue, and crimson. It’s a great time of day to run. I saw my fifth dog, a Scottish terrier, on a lead with 3 guys walking along the road. I said hello and the guy holding the leash said hi in kind of a clipped, not-that-friendly way. Oh well.

OK, back to various types of writing. I’ll be trying to catch up this week, but again, no whining & no beating myself up!

My average speed is almost 2,000 words an hour! Of course, this is on the first day when inspiration is at its height. I’m not sanguine enough to feel confident, but it’s sure heartening. I’m well over quota for today at 2,270 (no blog entry if I don’t meet my quota!) and still had time to write a book blog entry I needed to write (because it was a review copy).

Thank goodness my Inner Editor was whisked away to a kennel by Chris Baty:

[T]his month you’ll leave your Inner Editor here with me at the fully licensed, board-certified No Plot? No Problem! Inner Editor Kennel–where it can spend its days carping with other Inner Editors, happily pointing out typos in the newspaper and complaining about the numerous plot holes on daytime television.

It will be very, very happy here.

(there’s an actual button to touch in the book, which I did first thing when I woke up this morning) Thank goodness, because what I’ve written so far is really terrible. But that’s OK. Quantity, not quality!

Another 5-miler this afternoon, and I composed the opening scene and closing paragraph of Turkey Season in my head! Not in exact sentences, but the feel of it. This should get me off to a good start tomorrow, I hope. 55 minutes, splits 10:53, 10:09, 11:15, 11:49, 10:52. I started with a 3/3 rhythm but I almost bonked around mile 2 (I was clammy and had jello legs, but they didn’t turn to lead) & just let my mind wander after that. Heavy steel-gray clouds with some clear sky at the horizon; as I rounded Stanley Lake, the sun came out and lit up the remaining brown and orange leaves in the most incredible, saturated golden light. The glowing hills against the dark blue-gray sky were breathtaking. Glimpses of the surface of the lake through the trees looked like a solid gray substance–the water was riffled in the wind but not reflecting the light, so it was matte and opaque.

I might or might not get to the second Snowflake Pattern planning step, or do the Magna Carta exercises in No Plot? No Problem!, but I’m feeling excited and ready to get started tomorrow. I’m also feeling hopeful about the election. Election Night is going to be a NaNoWriMo fest, as people stay up writing waiting for the results. My plan is to stay up no later than 2am, no matter what; before that time, I write until we have a President. If Kerry wins, it’ll be such a weight lifted that I’ll sail through the rest of the month. I don’t even want to think about him losing.

But no matter what your political beliefs, get out there and VOTE!!!!

One-sentence summary: An animal-loving city girl moves to the country and meets a wild turkey hen she can mysteriously communicate with–but school and turkey hunting season are starting.

Ehh, not so great. It’s 28 words long, whereas Randy recommends 15 or shorter. He also says it should tie the big picture to the personal picture–I think it does that.

A transplanted city girl meets a wild turkey hen and finds they can talk to each other–but hunting season is coming. (22)

In the woods, before hunting season, a city girl meets a wild turkey hen and discovers they can communicate. (19)

OK, that’s good enough for now.

OK, I’m taking the plunge. National Novel Writing Month starts Monday! Jonathan believes I can do it–a necessary-but-not-sufficient test. I’ll talk about the novel itself another time, but here are the rules I’ve set up for myself:

• No whining about being behind!
• No fiction reading, except to analyze structure/scenes/dialogue
• I’ll do my level best, but I won’t beat myself up if I fail. However many words I write is more than I would have without this crazy scheme.
• If I start waking up with a sore throat (my body’s sign of too much stress), I will take it easier.
• Minimize time on the forums, which are clearly a great way to fritter away time.
• Get up, stretch, do something else briefly every 15 minutes.
• NO WHINING!

I didn’t make much progress on my book blog this week, nor did I get anywhere near my theoretic target of 10,500 words, but oh well. I CAN do this if I’m willing to make the sacrifices that it will require. We’ll see whether I in fact am!

Reading Randy Ingermanson’s advice, and reviews of the books he recommended, made me realize how little I know what I’m doing! All I have to carry me through this is 35 years of voracious reading. I’ve written a couple of (pretty terrible) short stories, but that was almost 2 decades ago. I don’t even have an educated appreciation of narrative; I recognize what’s good and bad but I can’t say why. I can’t explain why I like deeply flawed writers like Dornford Yates, Robert Heinlein, and Frances Hodgson Burnett; I know there’s something about their stories that works despite the major things that don’t work, but I can’t put my finger on it. Ingermanson and his recommendations make me realize that I could learn to analyze those things if I wanted to. But it’s too late for NaNoWriMo, and if I don’t “win” (50,000 words or even close), it might not be worth learning (what am I saying? of course it would be, I love learning no matter what!)

I had hoped to “catch up” (I should just ban that phrase from my life…) with various things like email & household chores before NaNo started, but that’s unlikely to happen. So I’ll just do it the way I do everything else: control what variables I can & then fly by the seat of my pants. Wish me luck.

It was dark & rainy when I woke up at 7–in fact, I thought it was 4 or 5 until I looked at the clock–and I sure didn’t feel like running. I dawdled over coffee and computer. (I made the decision last night to do NaNoWriMo–more on that later–so I was forum-surfing and ended up researching writing techniques and books at this very helpful site.) It cleared a little and by 9am I decided to go (I was planning 5 miles today and 5 miles tomorrow). I still haven’t found the heart rate watch (no progress on any of my black holes of clutter, alas), and I left the Forerunner behind because I don’t want to risk any moisture on it until I figure out a strategy to avoid shorting it out again. So I was planning on sticking to a 3/3 breath rhythm to be sure my heart rate was low enough. As I headed out the door, I thought about what a timesaver it would be to be able to write as I run. I have all kinds of thoughts while running that I want to remember, but writing them down takes so much time, as indicated by the length of this entry.

It was foggy and damp but on the warm side–not too hot for running, just right. I don’t remember if I’ve mentioned the lovely smells of fall before–woodsmoke and rotting leaves added to the mix of grass, mud, pine needles, and manure, all more noticeable when it’s damp–but today there was also a less pleasant one, something that smelled like dog fesces. It must be a particular type of leaf, but I didn’t think to pay attention to what kinds of trees correlated with the smell.

I was thinking about how lucky I am with the variety on my 5-mile loop. There are farms, regular houses, and lake cottages; lawns, fields, and pastures; a pond and a lake; stands of honey locust, sumac, white pine, hemlock, and maple; a few old apple trees, willows, and other less-common trees; dogs and cows; one lovely garden; so much to look at! Most of my pleasure in running is enjoying my environment. I’m so glad not to live in a city. Thank you, Jonathan, thank you for being willing to live in the middle of nowhere. I love it here!

I saw a redtail hawk in a tree, all puffed up so it looked very big, and I flushed a grouse–I didn’t see it, but I sure heard it! There’s something about damp fall weather that makes vegetation look magical to me. The grass is so green in contrast with the fallen leaves and decaying vegetation, and the moisture everywhere feels nurturing and friendly, as though anything could grow. I don’t know if anyone else reacts that way, but it seems natural because dryness correlates with harshness of the environment & survival difficulties (deserts, extreme cold, droughts). Maybe somewhere in my subconcious the green fall grass evokes the magical little green things that make the peach tree grow in Dahl’s James and the Giant Peach.

I thought about NaNoWriMo and whether writing is something I’m committed to long-term, willing to put as much effort into as the people whose advice I was reading this morning. I started ranking my favorite activities in my head:

1. Reading
2. Research
3. Problem-solving/fixing things (covers everything from jigsaw puzzles to programming

and then I remembered “eating” and “movies/plays/TV” and wasn’t sure where to put them. The synergy between reading and eating (or watching and eating, to a lesser degree) is a problem for me. I enjoy the combination so much that it sometimes leads me to eat when/what I shouldn’t, and/or to read when/what I shouldn’t (eg, get caught up in comfort reading that I can’t put down instead of continuing a book that’s challenging). If I could break that link, never read when eating and never eat when reading, I would eat better. But would I be going against my “true nature”? It would certainly feel like I was missing out on one of the greatest joys of life. So probably the key is that boring old BALANCE again… not doing it all the time so it loses specialness. I want to become the best person I can be, but more specifically the best Hilary I can be, working with the strengths and weaknesses I have without losing the quirks and idiosyncracies, but rather strengthening them.

As usual, I had to go to 2/2 breathing on the hills, but past mile 3 it got harder to revert to 3/3 on the downhills and flats. Partly I got into a groove and my mind started wandering more, and partly as I warmed up I naturally tended to go faster. It didn’t come easily to keep myself to 3/3. I started thinking about the “push yourself to do the things that don’t come naturally or seem easy, so that eventually they will” principle. My brain/my rational self needs to be in charge, because if I lose focus and my subconscious takes over, it only knows how to do what’s familiar. It’s like when you space out while driving and your subconscious takes you on the most familiar route–which may not be where you intended to go! But on the other hand, it’s not good to be too much in the head without listening to the heart and body. That’s how people push themselves beyond where they should, into injury (physical and mental). The brain needs to be the leader, but the best leaders listen to what the followers are saying. You can’t lead effectively if no one wants to go along with you.

That started me thinking about how dogs need to know that their humans are the pack leaders; a dog that thinks it’s in charge is stressed and a pain to live and deal with, whereas a dog that knows its place in the pack is relaxed, happy, and better-behaved. And when I’m not consciously making a plan for what to do and how to lead my life, maybe I’m as restless and confused as that dog. But when I make unrealistic plans (“I’m going to catch up on all my email tonight!” “I’m going to get 4 hours of sleep so I can do more!”), when in my heart/body/guts I know it’s not workable, I fail. That’s like utopian schemes that overlook the irrational and monkey side of human nature.

I’m still filling out my 5-miler by doing a little spur onto Ryan Road to look at our neighbor’s garden. Today her boyfriend was out in the yard with their dog, looking at the pond they’ve been working on. I said hi & then stopped so we could talk a little bit. He told me about the pond leaking, about the fish in their lower pond that I should walk over to check out, I told him about the marathon, etc. It was really nice and I was happy to have stopped. There are a lot of neighbors I don’t know really well, and running has allowed me to make connections with some of them. I need to not let the combination of shyness and being caught up in the goal of running prevent me from stopping and chatting!